Our Farewell
by Tarja Holopainen
Summary: After his heart attack, Niles hadn't been as healthy as everyone thought ... Short and sad one shot. Songfiction.


A/N:

I cried so much while writing this.

The song, Our Farewell, is by Within Temptation. Please listen to it, it is so emotional ... I cry every time I listen to it. I'm so sorry for writing this but after I had the idea, I couldn't stop thinking of it ...

I had to change the lyrics "My child" to "My love" so it would fit (sorry for that). And I wrote from CC's point of view.

I'm refusing to say "Have fun", so I just say "Enjoy". And review please :*

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**Our Farewell**

**by justCiles4life**

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"CC, look ...", Nanny Fine on my left whispered. "That's Sharon den Adel ... did you hire her for -"

"Yes, Nanny Fine", I whispered and Nanny Fine looked at me with so much concern in her eyes. She always did lately. My voice sounded probably as if I came right from a coffin - wrong choice of words, I know ... but somehow I felt, I did. I felt lost. I felt forlorn.

It was so hard to get ready in the morning, but today I had - somehow - managed to look acceptable.

The beautiful black haired woman - the Dutch singer Sharon den Adel - opened her mouth and started to sing in her angelic voice, he had loved so much.

_"In my hands, a legacy of memories. I can hear you say my name ... I can almost see your smile, feel the warmth of your embrace."_

I'd fallen in love with the lyrics after I heard them for the first time, but they were nowhere fitting better than now: I could still hear him. I could still see his smile. Feel his embrace.

Since he passed away, I've been a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, didn't want to talk to someone.

_"But there is nothing but silence now, around the one I loved. Is this our farewell?"_

"CC ...", Maxwell leaned over Fran to look at me. He took my hand but I pushed it away.

"Shhh, Maxwell, I'm alright", I said.

But I lied. I wasn't alright.

_"Sweet darling, you worry too much. My love, see the sadness in your eyes."_

It felt like he was talking to me through the song.

_"You are not alone in life, although you might think that you are."_

But I am, Niles. I _am _alone ...

"Mommy, why are you crying?", I heard a sweet little voice on my right.

I looked down and saw his eyes, his wonderful, light blue, happy eyes. Sweet little Laura. She was too young to understand.

"I'm happy, my angel", I whispered. "Happy that I have you ..."

Laura's pouting lips changed into a smile and she took my hand. "Don't cry, mommy. I will always be with you."

Niles used to say the same.

He had promised me not even a month ago.

_"Never thought this day would come so soon ... we had no time to say goodbye."_

Amen. He woke me up five days ago ... he'd said "CC - I'm afraid I'm having another heart attack ..." and then his eyes rolled up and he collapsed in the bed.

I reacted quickly, called the ambulance without hesitation, and they told me what to do while they were on their way.

After they arrived, they'd brought us to the hospital but it was already too late.

They told me afterwards that his coronary blood vessels had been blocked, and that's why he had the heart attack. The first one he'd had wasn't dangerous, because the blocked vessel was somewhere at the point of his heart. But this time the blocked vessel was the sinu-atrial node itself - he would have no chance to survive that in a hundred years.

I understood his time had been over ... but that didn't mean I agreed with it.

_"How can the world just carry on?"_

I carefully looked to Fran and Maxwell. They were holding hands. My heart was aching - how could they just carry on? Yes, they looked sad, of course, they loved him. But they didn't _need _him.

I needed him. I still do.

_"I feel so lost when you're not at my side. But there is nothing but silence now, around the one I loved. Is this our farewell?"_

It seemed it was. It was our farewell.

_"Sweet darling, you worry too much. My love, see the sadness in your eyes. You are not alone in life, although you might think that you are."_

Laura took my hand and squeezed it. "She is so pretty!", she whispered.

"Who? Sharon?", I asked.

Laura nodded. "This is the lady from the covers of daddy's CDs, right?" I nodded and Laura turned her head around. "Where is he? I bet he would love to hear her sing in real!"

After that, a single tear rolled down my cheek and I lifted my daughter up. I held her close after she wrapped her arms around me and patted my back. I looked at the coffin and couldn't believe he was in there. Lifeless.

Sweet, innocent child ... Why did she have to be part of that? Why?

He left us, not on purpose of course, but he did. And I had no idea how I should raise her, now that he was gone.

I was feeling sorry for her, she would never see her father ... She was too little to remember him later.

_"So sorry, your world is tumbling down! I watch you through these nights. Rest your head and go to sleep, 'cause my love, this is not our farewell."_

It had been his favourite part of the song, the part with the tumbling-down world. I never understood, but now I did.

It was about someone you loved. The one died and now he apologizes for letting the world of the left behinded tumble down.

Yes, my world was tumbling down.

Then the passed away tells the left behinded that he is watching her every night and she should stop worrying, 'cause this was not their farewell.

I sobbed quietly as I thought about Niles watching me ... my lost shell, my broken-hearted me. He would be so hurt if he saw me right now.

I sobbed even more when I thought about Niles being sad because I was sad ... I didn't want him to be sad but I couldn't be happy anymore.

We hadn't really a life together ... after moving to California we were too busy with preparing for a life with Laura. We didn't even have a wedding. I mean - a _real _wedding.

After Laura was born, she was the only thing that was important. She had a weak heart and had to be operated. Now she was four and she and her heart were alright but ... Well, Niles' heart wasn't.

After four years he had to die. After I've finally found the right man, the right life ... he had to die.

Laura patted my head and I closed my eyes, sobbed in the shoulder of my daughter.

Maybe I could be happy. She was my everything now. The reason I lived on. I wouldn't throw it all away because the love of my life wasn't at my side anymore ... I knew, I would never find anyone I loved like him again. And I didn't want to.

_"This is not our farewell ..."_

"Niles, I miss you", I whispered and smiled as I heard his voice was in my head again.

"This is not our farewell, Chastity", he said.

And I believed him.


End file.
